For me, dating has become a sort of science. Since kindergarten, I was the girl who always had the boyfriend. I was a serial monogamist, jumping from one long relationship to the next, but never marrying. This lasted until my last long relationship ended when I was 38. Since then, I’ve been playing the field, dating to my heart’s desire, having fun, avoiding commitment at all cost, and dodging monogamy altogether. While it’s been fun, it’s also been incredibly eye opening in a lot of surprising ways.
A friend of mine recently told me that I should start documenting my experiences because there are so many paradoxes within them, and my voice will echo many of the frustrations of all people. Frankly, while my experiences are those of a female, I don’t think that they reflect issues only apparent to women; men will definitely be able to relate to my struggles, too. The world is so determined to divide the experiences of men and women that it’s nearly impossible for people to believe that people of the opposite sex share similar experiences.
I’ve been hesitant to begin this journey because I also realized that if I’m going to do it, I have to be “all in.” These experiences are raw with emotion and sometimes incredibly hurtful, bizarre, exciting, raunchy…you name it. For me to write about them, I have to be willing to open myself completely to the page and, well, I just don’t have a career that allows me to do that without anonymity. I work in education and my reputation has to be angelic at the very least. But here I am. The idea keeps calling me back. Since I was 31, I’ve been saying I was going to write a book about my dating life and my experiences as a woman. I think it’s time for something.
Who am I? I am a 41 year old professional, successful woman. Since high school, I have been viewed as pretty and popular. While I do have insecurities, they’re minor in comparison to the insecurities of others. From high school through my early 20s, I was pretty, had a slamming body, and a fabulous smile. I’m not being arrogant but, looking back, it’s undeniable. Once my 30s hit, so did responsibility, and the dedication I had to fitness began to become more of nuisance than anything else. Today, my insecurities stem from my weight alone–literally nothing else. Fortunately, despite my own insecurities, I can still pull a man and have a fruitful dating life. Perhaps it’s the smile.
Before I delve directly into the dating, let me tell you about my biggest frustration and challenge I’ve encountered in my lifetime. When I was 16, my high school sweetheart’s best friend looked at me and said, “You’re going to make a great mother someday.” Without even thinking about it and with no hesitation, I blurted, “I’m never having kids!” Not only was he shocked, but I was, too. Where the hell did that come from? I had never explored the idea of having children because I was only 16. But something deep within me screamed that I would never be a mother. I knew from the depths of my soul that I did not want children and that I would never have them. Moving forward, every time I said it to someone, they laughed and said, “Oh, you’ll change your mind.” Absolutely every person said that to me, including my gynecologist. I can’t count the amount of times he told me my biological clock was ticking… Let it tick, buddy, let it tick.
In my 20s, people took it as a cute thing I said and they assured me that once I met “The One,” I would change my mind. My 30s brought about the “you’re not getting any younger” comments. Not being married and not having children by your late 30s becomes a stigma and people begin to look at you differently. My one saving grace for most of my 30s was that I had two long relationships, both with divorced men who already had children. At the age of 38, however, when I became single again, the looks and judgment started right back up. Then, at the age of 39, tragedy struck (written with complete sarcasm) and I found out I had to have a hysterectomy. In all honesty, I was never so happy and excited in my life. Granted, I was nervous because I had never had any type of surgery, broken bones, stitches, not even a sprain, so such a huge surgery was scary, but I was honestly thrilled.
Life for me since has been glorious and I couldn’t be happier; however, I’ve become the woman all people feel sorry for because I can no longer create a miracle, a perfect little bundle of joy, the sole reason to be on this earth. Little do they know that I have an amazingly rewarding and full life. I wish people knew how incredibly insulting it is to listen to those comments, but people are selfish and constantly cast judgment, myself included.
My blog will be about all of these things and is going to delve deeply into how difficult it is to have a relationship with so many societal expectations, traditions, and norms. These difficulties will be told through my trials and tribulations in the wonderful, sarcastic, elderly dating world of barrooms, bookstores, dating apps, social media, ghosting, breadcrumbing, flat out lying, and enough headaches to make you want to hit Adam & Eve like a hoarder.
Welcome to 2018, bitches! I’m 41 and F*cked and I’m looking forward to this journey. I hope you come along for the ride. Beep, beep!